


Impossible Desires

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Drama, Het, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-31
Updated: 2005-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-27 05:05:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12074088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set in 1877. Justin is a servant in the Kinney mansion where Brian is a son of the house. It seems impossible that they could ever be together. First fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

My research, such as it is, is done on an Australian mansion in the late 1800's to early 1900's. I realise that i may not be historically correct by placing the story in America at that time so just pretend that state lines and such exist as they do now. Thank you all now on with the story.

* * *

It was midday on the large Kinney estate that covered more than 37,000 hectares of Pennsylvania, and there were many things that had yet to be done by the servants before the long awaited return of Masters Brian and Michael Kinney from their year long trip to England.

 

One such servant, Justin, had almost given up hope of finishing his chores before the expected return in two hours time and was currently praying to the Lord for any sort of intervention He could give. Justin however had a feeling that no such intervention would occur and that he would have to rely on himself, as he had for all his life if he had any chance to accomplish his work.

 

Being one of only a few young male servants Justin was often given the worst jobs that one could possibly do on the Kinney estate, although no one would ever dream of saying out loud that a job was undesirable, it was generally know by all that Justin seemed to always receive them. Unknown to Justin was that Mary, who had the highest rank of all the servants on the estate, despised Justin. He reminded her of the child that she had lost, that was born dead; Justin was born only two weeks later perfectly healthy and served as a constant reminder of her failure.

 

What Mary failed to realise in her jealousy, was that Jennifer had lost her life while giving birth to Justin, leaving him in the care of the other servants. Jennifer had come to help with extra work at the Kinney estate shortly after Master Christopher had been born and the subsequent death of Mrs Elizabeth Kinney due to complications from the birth. At the time Jennifer started working she was also pregnant, one month. Not knowing any relatives that baby Justin had, the servants took it upon themselves to care for little Justin agreeing that Mary should be the one to care for him.

 

Almost nobody minded having the child around as he was especially good, rarely crying and never making a fuss, what won most people over was his beautiful smile, which people said could light up a room.

 

Justin began working, doing simple jobs on the estate when he was five years old, carrying flour from the store room to the kitchen, pumping water and other tasks which a five year old could manage.

 

It was from this point that people stopped looking out for him and making sure he was okay. Mary had her opportunity to get back at Justin. She began to work him harder and harder, getting him to perform tasks that he was not suited for, working long hours just to finish and if the job wasn’t done to Mary’s satisfaction, he was punished. Over the years he received many beatings and became increasingly alone.

 

Justin brought himself back to the present; going over his wonderful childhood was getting him behind. He still had four horse stalls to clean out and replace with new hay. He didn’t know how he had ended up with this job “Mary, taking out her anger on me, the stable boys have always cleaned the sheds.” Justin shook his head in despair. “I think she just wants to make sure I’ll fail so then I’ll get punished.” Justin tried hard not to think of the last time, two weeks ago, when he had failed to finish his job soon enough. Five lashes had certainly hurt and gave him all the more reason to finish on time.

 

“Hello, are you alright there son?” asked Thomas the senior horse trainer, offering Justin a helping hand.

 

“Oh, hello…well I could use a little help…that is if you’re sure?” Justin replied nervously, hoping that Thomas really was offering help. It was just that it was a rare occasion that he had help in any of his jobs

 

Thomas’ mouth relaxed into a small smile directed at Justin, “I remember having to do this many times while I was younger. If we both work together it’ll be over in no time…how about I pull out the hay, you scrub, and then I’ll put new hay down?” It was more of a statement than a question but Justin wasn’t going to reject any help. There was no need for him to respond as that was how it was going to be or he’d have no help at all. Justin looked heavenward; the Lord must have been listening.

 

Both worked hard for the next hour and a half, finishing with just enough time to have a quick wash and change into clean clothes. Just when Justin had finished buttoning up the only other shirt he owned heard the bells from the watch tower that would indicate the carriage party had been sighted and was probably five minutes away. Justin walked out the door of his room and was almost knocked over by the swarm of people that were running down the hallway trying to make their way quickly to the front of the mansion and present themselves for the Kinney’s in the hope that they may be chosen for a better position, such as personal maid. Justin didn’t think that he, as a male had any chance of really becoming someone’s personal maid as it would be unusual as well as unnatural. These things just didn’t happen to people like him. As a result Justin made his way to the front rather regretfully.

 

One week earlier there had been a rehearsal of some what when Chris had returned after his final year at St James academy. For this reason everyone new where they should be standing and were all in place long before the carriages had even turned the final bend of the road.

 

Everyone was looking expectantly down the road…waiting. Even Mr Andrew Kinney could not wait to see his boys. It had been just over a year since the last time that he had seen Brian and Michael and other than Chris he had no other real family, not counting Elizabeth’s siblings Debora and Victor that regularly came to visit. Andrew had never remarried or even sort out friendship with another woman since Elizabeth had died, preferring to preserve the memory of his late wife. To many people associated with the Kinney’s on the east, this had seemed very peculiar indeed and people began to assume that Andrew had in fact married Elizabeth for love and not more land and business as was usually the case and they suspected he had been broken hearted ever since she had left.

 

The additional excitement for the servants came from news that in one of the letters to Andrew from Brian or Michael they had mentioned that they were bringing home with them fiancées that they had meet while in England. This made the women even more excited because this would mean that there would soon be a wedding, two in fact! Which was always a joyful occasion and if all went well, babies could soon be on the way.

 

Two carriages rounded then corner followed by three more, those carrying luggage and other souvenirs from England. Everyone was silent as the first carriage came to rest and out stepped Brian. Even though Brian was younger than Michael, by two years, he was often treated as the older of the two and was likely to inherit most of the Kinney holdings, Michael didn’t mind this at all he had always looked up to Brian as though he were his big brother with adoration and love in his eyes. Brian turned and reached up to take the hand of a beautiful fair woman with long waving blonde hair. At this point Michael’s carriage has also stopped and as he stepped out he held the hand of another beautiful woman, petit with brunette hair.

 

Brian approached his father with a smile on his face, “Father-” but was cut off by Andrew who had grabbed him in a fierce hug, while such affection was normally uncommon especially in front of everyone; it was never so in the Kinney household, Andrew was always showing his sons just how much they were loved.

 

“I’m just so happy to see you boys again; it’s been a long time.” Andrew said while still holding on to Brian.

 

Once Andrew had let go, Brian replied, “Yes it has been,” he turned and beckoned the woman forward “Father, this is Lindsay Peterson of Peterson Oil, Lindsay this is my father Mr Andrew Kinney.”

 

“Yes, it is about time we had beautiful women around here again my sons sure are lucky.” Andrew beamed as he took Lindsay’s hand and kissed it as she giggled at his comment.

 

Andrew turned from Lindsay to Michael and as he did with Brian he grabbed him into another fierce hug, Brian continued for Michael who was unable to breathe let alone speak, “And this is Melanie Marcus of Marcus and Co. steel, Melanie our father Mr Andrew Kinney.”

 

As he had done with Lindsay, Andrew took Melanie’s hand and kissed it. “I’m sure you must all be tired, why don’t you go inside, rest for a bit and we will all meet at dinner time.” After receiving approving nods Andrew announced, “Excellent” and they began to move inside.

 

This whole time Justin had be standing mesmerised by the sight of Brian, he hadn’t taken his eyes off him. Justin had never realised how handsome Brian really was before and as the rest of the servants moved off to unload the carriages, dejected that they had not even received a prospective glance, Justin remained still. His eyes still firmly planted on Brian.

 

“Get moving Justin and stop starring, you’ve got plenty of work to do…or do you need more?” Mary questioned, smacking him upside the head.

 

Justin flinched hating that he had been caught but he couldn’t help himself, “No ma’am.” Justin proceeded to the first carriage.

 

It was at that moment that Brian realised he had left some very important papers in his carriage, as he approached the carriage he noticed a young man he couldn’t remember having seen before and in this young man’s hand were Brian’s papers. “Wait, I’ll take those thank you.” A pair of beautiful azure eyes shot up at his and held his gaze for a few seconds before dropping to the ground. For a moment Brian forgot why he had come back to the carriage, but recovered quickly “What you are holding is very important and I do not want them lost.”

 

Justin quickly handed over the papers apologising “Sorry sir, I did not know.”

 

“Not your fault, it’s okay,” As Brian reached to take the papers from Justin their hands touched and both felt the bolt of electricity that shot through their bodies, once again looking at each other Brian had the sudden desire to know this young man’s name. “What is your name?”

 

Reminding Justin of who he was with he again dropped his eyes to the ground replying “Justin, sir”

 

Nodding Brian turned to go back into the mansion leaving Justin to once again stare at the most beautiful creature he had ever seen, “I just saw the face of God.” Justin watched Brian until he disappeared and was brought back to reality, mumbling to himself, “What are you doing thinking about him you are a servant…it’s an impossible desire.”


	2. Impossible Desires

A/N Hi all it's been a while, a long time in fact. The last 6 months have been insane i don't want to go into details i just want to say that updates won't always be this far apart. thank you for hanging on.

* * *

All throughout dinner Brian had been fairly silent, when he did join in conversation it was only mono syllable answers to questions. Everyone assumed that he must have a lot on his mind or that he was just tired from a long day and continued dinner without him. He was alone with his thoughts in a room full of people.

The dining room was painted a pale green with matching crockery. The green enhanced the gold and silver racing trophies that had been won by the estate’s thoroughbreds displayed on the sideboards. The walls were also covered with paintings of people and of landscapes, from artists all over the world.

But Brian saw none of this and heard nothing as he stared straight ahead; he was lost in the past, deep within his memories searching for a blonde blue-eyed boy. So far he had only seen glimpses of a child. He had no reason before to ever want to be in the presence of this person, this…Justin. Unaware a smile had crept up onto Brian’s face as he thought of him.

Lindsay noticed this change in Brian “Are you alright Brian?”

Brian was brought back, he was perfectly fine but instead of voicing his feelings he just leaned over and kissed Lindsay on the cheek. This was enough to assure her as she went back to talking about wedding arrangements; Brian shook his head at the irony, his future wife talking about her upcoming nuptials while he was thinking of a man.

Brian Kinney was evil, a deviant, a child of Satan; he was homosexual and loved every minute of it. The only problem was that his ‘way of life’ was against the law. You could go to jail for sodomy. People were once hung for this sort of crime and while punishment wasn’t that extreme these days, once you were accused, no matter the evidence you were lucky to live out the week. People would be found hanging from trees mutilated, their genitalia missing. And did anything happen to the angry mob that had committed this crime, not a chance because most of the time the ‘legal authorities’ were members of that angry mob. 

Brian had only known one friend who had ever been outed and all he could do was watch and pray in vain that this never happened again and especially to no one he knew. And he knew plenty of others that felt just the way he did. Brian had numerous sexual partners, only once then on to another, there were so many that were willing to risk there lives just to be with him. If the Devil created homosexuals, he created an army of them according to Brian, especially in England. There were underground societies there that Brian had never come across before. At night in London men left their wives at home claiming that they were going to the baths to meet up with their mates and relax, little did the wives realise that their men were going to the baths but only for the sole purpose to have sex with one another, it was truly revolutionary. Brian had made it his duty to show them what a real man was like.

If it wasn’t so dangerous Brian would be the best homosexual he could be, but instead he had been relegated to a life where his perversions were a secret from even those he loved. While he believed neither Michael nor his father would ever turn him in, it only required a slip of the tongue and his life was forfeit.

Brian was still a homosexual though and knew what he wanted, this boy-man that Brian could tell had the same urges he did, but probably didn’t know it, and this meant that there was an extremely good chance he was untouched, Brian couldn’t wait, his desire was starting to get the better of him thinking of the ways he was going to deflower this beautiful boy.

Brian was disturbed from his fantasies by a hand on his shoulder, “Come on Brian let’s retire to the billiard room.” Michael. The words ‘Michael’ and ‘sex’ just didn’t belong together in the same sentence, it was a horrible image but one of the best ways to send his cock into hiding after an erection that was beginning to demanded attention by a certain blonde.

Brian felt the blood return to his brain and was able to think again. “Yes…I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Okay” Michael replied as he turned to leave the dining room, taking Chris with him.

Brian looked at his food that a servant was removing. It was the last course and Brian couldn’t even remember the first course being removed he had been so caught up in his memories and dreams.

Getting a hold of his emotions Brian removed himself from the table and found his way to Michael and Chris who had already started a game of billiards without him. He lighted his cigar, poured himself a glass of whiskey and waited for his turn, using the time to forget any thoughts of Jus…him.

Brian was starring at one of the deer mounts when Michael and Chris announced they were retiring, “What, can’t stand losing anymore?”

Both Chris and Michael grunted, “Big brother, you know we let you win”

Brian just raised his eyebrows in disbelief at Chris, “I beat you eight to three and Michael nine to two, I’d hate to see what you could do if you really tried.”

Chris had no reply and left the room without a goodbye while Michael just glanced from Chris to Brian and back again smirking, “He’ll learn eventually, good night Brian.”

“Good night Michael.” Brian turned to look out the window; this could all be his one day, land that stretched further than he could see. Putting down his whiskey glass Brian walked to the door, through to the hall and up the grand central stairs, but instead of turning left he turned right, headed towards the guest rooms. As he and Lindsay were not married yet it was improper for them to share a bedroom, but that didn’t mean that they wouldn’t sleep in the same room.

Brian knocked on the door and without waiting for a reply, walked into the Lavender room. He walked over to Lindsay who was asleep in bed. Brian supposed if he was attracted to women he would find Lindsay very attractive. She wasn’t what turned him on but he could still have sex with her, pleasure was good no matter where it came from and there was also the fact that he needed an heir.

Brian began to remove his clothes and carefully crawled in behind Lindsay. He began to softy stroke her cheek, awakening her from sleep. “Shh…it’s just me.”

“Brian” she whispered as she began to turn over.

Brian however, stopped her with a palm to her shoulder, motioning for her to remain on her stomach.

Even if Lindsay dear question him, any thoughts of questions were stopped as kisses rained down on her spine.

Brian knew Lindsay loved him and he loved this fact, revelling in its power. He didn’t want to see Lindsay’s face tonight, but he couldn’t help himself as his fingers curled into her blonde hair.

Justin woke with a smile on his face, the sun was still a while before rising but for Justin it was already a great day his dreams had been filled by various scenarios in which Brian Kinney was a part of his life. In the seconds after waking he realised the complete ridiculousness of his dreams, but in the end that’s what they were, dreams and they were his, all his in which he could do anything.

He could hear the others begin to stir and decided he had lagged enough. A bounce could be seen in Justin’s step as began his day.

He entered the room, it was completely dark except for a few carefully positioned candles, but he could see the outline of a body beneath the bed canopy. As he approached the bed he began to slowly remove his clothes, being as quiet as possible not wanting to wake the sleeping form. Once he was naked Brian pulled back the sheets and gazed over the soft divine skin of his lover, scanning the whole length of the body he came to rest at the blonde head that moved slightly as he ran his fingers along the smooth defined torso, causing fine goose bumps to rise along the path of his hand. As Brian crawled onto the bed, hovering above the still form the body beneath him began to awaken, a hand found his entwining their fingers, a soft moan escaped “Brian.”

The voice became more insistent and more…feminine? “Brian…Brian wake up I have excellent news!”

“Humm…Linds…wha” realising he had been interrupted from a dream Brian groaned and rolled over in his own bed trying to hide the erection that had been caused by his over active imagination.

Lindsay was rambling until she said two words that captivated Brian’s attention “I’m pregnant” Brian was instantly awake, looking at Lindsay to confirm what he thought he heard.

“How can you know already, it’s been only a few hours” Brian groaned again and returned his head to the pillow, life at the moment was tearing him in all directions. He had to forget this nonsense about one particular piece of ass because that’s all this kid is; nothing more. Even Brian found his own lie hard to believe but for the moment he had more important issues to deal with, first figuring out Lindsay’s cryptic messages.

With a sigh Brian rose, washed his face and began to get dressed, only the finest clothes for him no matter how long it took him to get dressed each day. Hidden by a partition he continued his conversation, “Sit down Lindsay, you must be careful now in your condition.” Fear from his mother’s death resurfacing. “Okay now explain to me what exactly is going on.” Brian’s commanding voice was heard outside the room by one of servants, Kathryn, who was patiently waiting for Ms. Peterson.

She had been assigned to help Lindsay with anything she required that she was not able do herself due to the pregnancy. Nothing escaped Andrew, everyone was wondering just how he could conclude that Lindsay was pregnant when she had only been there less than a week. He had gotten the doctor earlier that morning to inspect Lindsay and confirm his belief, immediately he had ensured that she would be as comfortable as possible, assigning Kathryn to follow her everywhere and do anything she requested until he said otherwise.

Lindsay had asked him how he could tell but Andrew just looked at her and smiled replying “When you get to be my age you will understand.” He proceeded to leave the room and walked back to his study.

Brian knitted his eyebrows wondering just how his father had known before even Lindsay. He shook his head slightly forgetting about it and fixed his gaze on Lindsay. She didn’t seem different. “So what did the doctor say?”

Lindsay could barely hold in her excitement, she was finally pregnant with his child; they were a real family now. While she was sure he wouldn’t leave her there had been many other women that had been striving for his attention and she had thought sometimes that his absent behaviour towards her could mean he was going to leave her for one of them. But not now, there was no chance. Now she would spend the rest of her life by his side, she couldn’t believe she was so lucky. “He believed that I was already a few months along but wasn’t exactly sure right now, he said that it would be easier to tell when I was further along and that he was going to see me every week.”

Brian sat down beside Lindsay and held her hand running his finger tips of the other hand up and down her forearm. He just sat there staring at her stomach trying to imagine the life that was growing there. Suddenly he came back to reality, “Excellent. Now Lindsay you are not to be doing anything more physical than walking, anything else you get the servants to do okay.”

Lindsay nodded her head realising just how serious Brian was when she looked at his face and saw what appeared to be fear flash across his face before it disappeared.

“Knowing my father he has already assigned someone to follow you, yes?”, again Lindsay nodded. “Good, okay then, let’s go to lunch.” Brian stood up helping Lindsay stand up when she pulled him back down.

“Brian.” She looked at him earnestly, “This means we must get married at once.”

Brian closed his eyes, he had almost forgotten about getting married the thought hadn’t even occurred to him that it would now have to be very soon before Lindsay really started to show. “You were going to plan it, I don’t see why you can’t still do it just get Melanie to help you with it, just tell me when it is and I will be there. Now come on it is time we had lunch.”

This time Lindsay rose with out and questions, just a smile as she contemplated the best way to work Brian down into being involved in the wedding and not just showing up. They proceeded to the dining room arm in arm. Brian never noticed the blonde head that poked out of the new door to the adjoining room that had been open the whole morning while the gas fitter was taking measurements and drawings of the room. He also never noticed the grim look on Justin’s face as he realised that his impossible desire just became even harder to image let alone obtain.


End file.
